I have always enjoyed writing and, as with running, have found it to be an ideal portal to get away by looking inward. As with running, I have spent too much time in my life being consumed with life and not enough time utilizing either one of these outlets for the healing that they provide. By finally giving birth to this blog that will be heavily focused on my return to running and all things related, I do believe that I will at last fill a void that has been plaguing my spiritual growth for some time.
As with my running, the challenge will be to maintain the discipline to be consistent and to not allow it grow stagnant. My life has been one full of examples of how to derail personal achievement through personal destructive tendencies and allowing malaise and depression to be the ruling inner voice of the day that determines the final outcome. I made a decision somewhere in the past that I would not allow this to be a continuing theme in my life. I have discovered tools (running, writing, working with a purpose, giving back to those you love and those you may not, et. al.) that have found very helpful in moving into a brighter and more positive existence. However, if I do not use the tools often, they become rusty and worthless.
Growing up I was always active. I grew up in an environment where I was often outside running around, climbing trees, playing games of pickup wiffle ball, throwing snowballs at passing cars and then running from the owners, or sometimes police officers. I spent a long time in the Boy Scouts, eventually achieving Eagle Scout. My time in the Boy Scouts was, I believe, what saved my life, literally. If not for that escape from my uninspiring and destructive home life, I think that I would have pulled the plug on myself at a very early age. While in the Boy Scouts I was able to run and swim in the forests and mountains of New York state and imagine that I was some sort of primeval nature boy at one with my surroundings and detached completely from the pain that existed when at home. Though I did not spend much time in organized sports, I was always on the move, always running from something. I wanted to join the cross country team, and felt that I could have been pretty successful, but my parents felt this would keep me from getting good grades and would not allow it. Truth is, even though I got straight A's through high school and many scholarships, it was never enough.
I was always physically active. I had a paper route for many years growing up. This was back when having a paper route meant carrying all of the newspapers in a big canvas bag on your shoulder. On Sundays, with all of the ads, it meant pulling them around in a wagon, or in the wintertime, pulling them on a sled. I had two routes and so many customers, many papers and lots of walking and hauling. I had strong shoulders as a kid. As with the mail, the news never stops. I delivered every single day no matter what the weather or temperature. I loved delivering the paper as a kid because it was another escape. It was an opportunity for me to be social with all of the families in the neighborhood and catch an occasional glimpse into what other families looked like.
When I was on scouting trips, I was always running around, crashing through the woods, climbing trees, swimming, boating, rock climbing, or just being mischievous. I remember during one summer in the Adirondacks I was training to earn a badge for a mile swim. I felt that as part of my training I should pull a rowboat by a rope with my teeth while doing the breaststroke. Or, see how long I could stay submerged underwater before I passed out. Even at that young age I used physical exertion as a method of pain diversion. It helped my to be lost in something other that thoughts that often tainted my mind on a daily basis.
The overall thread that I am trying to weave into this introduction to me is that I have lived much of my life being unhappy. When you are constantly unhappy, things get very dark and it is very difficult to see what there is in life outside of your immediate sphere of self loathing and feelings of inadequacy. You long for anything that will switch on the lights, even if only for an instant, so that you can take a long, deep breath of clarity. It is as if you are laying on your back and some 300 lb behemoth is sitting on top of your chest with a pillow over your face. At the point at which you believe it is lights out forever, something knocks that smothering fat ass off of you and a flood of oxygen enters you airways and darkness turns to bright illuminating clarity and life once again. Whatever it is that works to knock the smothering fat ass off of your chest is something that you want to have in your toolbag.
Running is one of those things for me. It allows me to feel alive and free from the smothering effects of daily life and past ghosts. As I mentioned, these trips to clarity may only be temporary. So the next approach is to find ways to make temporary last longer. For me that means running for a longer and longer period of time.
I have always been "a runner" ; however, with varying degrees of seriousness and comittment. I was not really until 2012 that I finally decided that I needed to take a path that involved a more serious devotion to running as it seemed to be a switch that would let some light in and help me to grow spiritually after to many years of stagnant living. I have always been one for extremes, no half measures. After resigning from West Point after watching the USMC drill team perform during an Army football game halftime, I new that I had to go to Parris Island and become a Marine. In my opinion, of the services, they were the ultimate fighting force, the best. I had to earn the title if I was to be worthy of the condemning voice in my head that permeated my psyche always telling my how worthless I was. Even after becoming the platoon guide and graduating as an honor grad with a meritorious promotion...still not worthy in my mind.
When I finally went back to school to get my degree, 3rd attempt, I decided to major in Physics. Yes I love math and science and always excelled in them growing up, but it my opinion, this would be the most challenging major and necessary for me to once again try to prove to myself that I was worthy of the voice in my head, which from now on I will just refer to as "the voice".
So, naturally, when I decided to begin my running journey, I had to choose to run a marathon. At that point I did not know that ultramarathons existed as they do. And as part of my training I would do more big hikes. Well, logically that means that I would hike up Mt. Whitney as this was the biggest mountain closeby.
So, this is how my warped mind approaches life. One extreme at a time. I guess it is a no brainer that I have been drawn into the ultrarunning scene. The switch has been thrown and I am alive.
